Tales from the Dales

Oxygen at Lady Lumleys

2012-01-17T06:15:00.000-08:00

My first school visit of 2012 was a curious one: I travelled to Lady Lumleys secondary school in canny Pickering to take part in a special project for gifted and talented youngsters called Oxygen. There were 30 students (Y6 and Y7) from this and other schools, and each one had formulated a testing question with which to pummell me as I sat down for a refreshing Q&A session.

'Have you had any setbacks and how have they affected you?' said one.
'What challenges do you face as an author?'
'Do your future plans reflect your personality?'

That last one was a killer and I needed more time than I had so I mumbled something incoherent and moved on. The kids were alert, thoughtful, prepared, knowledgeable and smart: they gave me quite a grilling. I was massively impressed too when they each went round and summarised what they'd got from the morning. I was never that tuned in when I was 12...

Thanks to Janet Walton, Kate Day, Lorraine Phippen, Barry Hymer and the other organisers.

Meeting Mr Titchmarsh: the video

2012-01-05T02:54:00.000-08:00

Here is a video of my appearance on the Alan Titchmarsh Show in 2009 as part of The People's Author competition. The full story of this crazy day can be found here.

Photoshoot

2012-01-01T11:24:00.000-08:00

Here is a set of photos commissioned by The Daily Mail for the article they wrote about All Teachers Great and Small back in July 2011.

Remember the summer: flowers, shirtsleeves, cheesy grins...

Ah, the joy of posing with a book in the Dales while farmers go past thinking, "Who's that pillock?"

"Can we get a picture of you outside a school, Andy? Yes, any school..."

"Oh, you have a wife? Yes, get her out here then!"

"Actually, Andy - can we go back to the Dales for another shot of you standing against a wall?"

When Granny Won Olympic Gold

2011-12-30T11:17:00.000-08:00

One of my personas as a writer is that of a children's poet. I love funny wordplay, silly rhymes and the enjoyment to be had from messing around with our language in different forms. I visit schools all over the north of England (I get invited to the rest but it's a lot of travelling so I prefer to stay local) and I write poems either when the urge strikes me / I am visited with inspiration or when a anthologist comes calling.

Unfortunately the last of these doesn't happen very often now. Twenty or even ten years ago children's publishers brought out several collections of poems each year by different poets on a theme but sadly there doesn't seem to be much profit in these books any more so like many publications they have died a rather sad death. I have contributed to about 15 or so in the past and I'm pleased to report that a new anthology is coming out in Jan 2012, timed to coincide with the Olympics.

When Granny Won Olympic Gold is a fun, light-hearted and varied collection from meister children's anthologist (and good friend) Graham Denton who runs the excellent Hands Up Books. This particular collection is published by A&C Black and includes four of my poems - and very silly ones they are:

Non-Olympic Sports I’m Good At

Peach volleyball

Mountain baking

Chocolate kayak

Marathon (eating)

Orange squash

Platelifting

The 100 litres (of Coke)

Ice cream hockey

Pieathlon

Unbelievable Sports Facts!

Tennis one more than nine.

Badminton is an evil form of goodminton.

If you go round a track twice on a bike you’re recycling.

Grasshoppers like cricket.

When wildebeest paddle small boats they’re gnuing.

Hearse racing is dead good.

Last year they compared all the motorsports and Formula won.

Crossing the Atlantic on a 747 is not plane sailing.

A donkey once appeared at the Badminton Horse Trials – it was found guilty.

Unbelievable.

Anyway, the book is now available on Amazon (here) and from all good bookshops and even a few bad ones. It only costs £3.49 or less so what are you waiting for? I wish Graham muchos successos with the book - he's an Aston Villa fan and so needs all the the support he can get...

A Writer's Christmas

2011-12-21T07:51:00.000-08:00

I'm an author and consequently an enforced recluse most of the time. Writing for me is best done tucked away somewhere quiet where I can't blame distractions and where I can give my full attention to procrastination, Facebook, Twitter, blogs and that kind of thing. I do proper writing occasionally too, sometimes.

But if I worked for Snodgrass and Sons or Bargain Ballcocks or GlobalMegaCorp I wouldn't be alone right now. I'd be winding down for Christmas with colleagues and possibly enjoying some of those festive (ghastly word) larks that people in offices 'enjoy'. That's not fair. Why should I miss out just because I'm a freelance, self-employed, sole-trader lonely git?

So this year I am giving it the full Pre-Christmas Celebration Thing.

First, I gave myself a tacky charity Christmas card - you know, the one that features a Caucasian Mary and donates 0.07p to Save the Pigeon.

Not wanting to appear Scrooge-like (even though he's the best Christmas character by far) I decided to award myself a seasonal bonus. I thought long and hard about this and in the end plumped for an extra hob-nob with my coffee. It seemed only fair considering the hard graft I'd put in looking at my Amazon sales rank over the last month.

I made the study where I work look suitably garish with purple laser tinsel and an infaltable Santa that blew off next door's chimney then I hung up some plastic miseltoe and made suggestive remarks to anyone of the opposite sex who passed (ie my wife, who told me to grow up).

My Secret Santa scheme was a moderate success. I received some Morrison's SupaSaver mints and a blue ink cartridge.

This left the main event: the Christmas party. I thought about hiring a club or bringing in a balloon-bending magician but in the end concluded that the office shindig should be in the office. Preparation was extensive: there would be nuts, booze and two kinds of sandwiches. Everyone would be invited. And I'm pleased to say that the whole staff turned out. It was crazy: poppers were going off; the music was too loud to talk over (quelle relief) and one person, who shall remained nameless, stood on a desk and made a right berk of himself. Honestly, you don't want to know the details.

What an afternoon! Never to be repeated, I can tell you... Merry Christmas.

My Day with Mr Titchmarsh

2011-12-07T11:05:00.000-08:00

It was 2009 and my manuscript for All Teachers Great and Small was on a shelf gathering dust. I'd sent it to publishers, agents and more publishers but no one had seemed to even look at it for some reason. Then a friend who was recovering from an op watched some daytime TV (never seen it myself) and The Alan Titchmarsh Show appeared on ITV1.

The Yorkshire gardener-turned-chatshow-host announced a new competition open to the public: 'The People's Author'. They wanted true-life stories, real, moving, interesting, funny, riveting biographical tales, well told. My friend suggested I enter and, not being a celeb-oriented fellow at all, I took some convincing. But, noting that the prize was a book deal with a major publisher I eventually sent off 1500 words from the first chapter then forgot all about it.

Months later I received a phone call from an editor at Orion Books to say that I was through to the final 16 and would be on TV, interviewed by Mr Titch himself. Quelle surprise.

The experience of the show itself was bizarre: we were given no inkling of what we'd be asked and it was filmed in front of a live audience. There were four contesants and we were made to sit on a giant book before being grilled by three publishing types: two authors and the editor in charge of the competition. One of the writers was Cecelia Ahern and the other was, embarrassingly, personally know to me: my old English inspector Gervase Phinn...

I didn't win the competition or even the heat as it happened but I did much better as eventually an agent did read my full manuscript and a great book deal soon followed. I hope to have a video clip from the show soon but in the meantime here are a few pictures from the programme. (Mr T is very personable, btw).

Youtube video from Headline

2011-12-04T09:16:00.000-08:00

I spent a chilly day in beautiful 'Swinnerdale' in September, battling the wind to make this video about All Teachers Great and Small. Hope you enjoy it.

York Library Event

2011-11-23T07:18:00.000-08:00

Did Alan Titchmarsh really help get my book published?
Was there really a flying octopus when you took those kids on that boat?
Where is Applesett?
Is it true that a kid hit himself on the head with an encyclopedia to make a sound effect?
Who is the hippy teacher really based on?
When is your next book published.
How can Dracula be in your next memoir (or, now to mention it, an Egyptian mummy or an exploding pig)?

Want to know the answers to these questions? Of course you do! Well come along to this:

On Wednesday 6th December at 7pm I shall be at York Central Library (or York Explore or whatever they call it now) for 'An Evening with Andy Seed' no less. I'll be sharing some of the funny experiences I've had as a primary school teacher and talking about my recent book, ALL TEACHERS GREAT AND SMALL, and sharing the amazing story of how it came to be published after a 10 year journey with the help of daytime TV...

I'll also be giving one or two glimpses ahead at the next book in the series, to be called All Teachers Wise and Wonderful, and talking about what it's like to write memoirs: the pitfalls and the fun. There'll be a Q&A session at the end of the talk so you can ask me all those awkward questions you have about publishing or try and wheedle out of me who the character Malcolm is really based on...

The tickets cost £5.50 and include a glass of wine or juice and there'll also be an opportunity to buy a signed copy of 'ATGAS': what better Christmas present can there be? The event is at York Explore, Museum Street and further details can be found at:
http://www.york.gov.uk/leisure/Libraries/whatson/andy_seed/

See you there!

Bare Bear

2011-11-21T04:05:00.000-08:00

Here's a new poem:

Bare Bear

Why is
A bear
Called
A bear?

To see
One clothed
Is very
Rare.

© Andy Seed 2011

Ripon Razzle

2011-11-11T04:40:00.000-08:00

I visited the admirable Holy Trinity C of E Junior School in Ripon yesterday to present a day of performance poetry. What a lot of fun we had, learning 'Cheeky Pete', making sound effects, doing actions, calling out rhymes and more. I especially enjoyed watching the Y5 and Y6 classes performing some of my own poems from Razzle Dazzle - the star was Albertus but everyone who stood up did well. I just wish we'd had time to do more!

The visit showed that children love poetry and are brilliant at learning rhymes, picking up rhythms and, well, just enjoying the fun that we can have playing with language. It was also great to see how many of the children are enthusiastic readers too - well done, kids!

There was a very funny moment when I was talking about my book The Real Me, which is aimed at girls and was written under the pseudonym Amy Simon. I often tell the curious tale of how I came to write a book for girls (I certainly didn't intend to!) and how the invented name Amy Simon came about. Children and teachers always find it fascinating, not least as some of them have no idea that many books don't have the real name of the author on the cover. I asked the question, 'Is there a way to tell that I really wrote this book?' and someone came up with the hilarious answer, 'There's a photo of you inside the cover.' On reflection, I think that it would be fairly shocking for readers of Amy Simon to turn the page and find a bearded man...

Anyway, thanks to Mrs Green for organising the day and I hope that the teachers enjoy the copy of All Teachers Great and Small I donated to their staffroom library.

Ahhhhhhh....

2011-10-24T03:45:00.000-07:00

It's time for a few days off here. After four months solid writing, lots of high-energy school visits and finally the Malton Literature Festival this last weekend I am kerpooped. However, I am not downhearted because my agent has just emailed to say how much she loves the second manuscript in the ALL TEACHERS series. Woo-hoo! What an excellent start to the week.

The second Literature Festival here in Malton went well despite a slow footfall in the main hall for the bookfair. Thanks to everyone who came and supported the events I did. The kids' poetry session at Hope Central Coffee House was great fun and well done all those brave children who stood up and performed for the parents at the end. Glad you liked my new poem The Rev Spooner's Olympic Events (the two most popular lines were:
Jiple Trump
Weestyle Frestling) .

The 'Dales Tales' talk at the Milton Rooms went well too and thanks to everyone who bought a copy of ATGAS - I'm sure you'll enjoy the book. Special thanks to Kilmeny Denny who put in a huge amount of work to organise the weekend.

The highlight for me was seeing the quite wonderful Adrian and Bridget Plass at Norton College. If you ever get a chance to hear them speak them don't miss it: hilarious, moving, wacky, challenging, clever and just superb entertainment. Thanks you two.

The wonderful Adrian and Bridget Plass

Assembly Mania

2011-10-19T06:27:00.000-07:00

Well, what a fortnight... I've just finished presenting the last of eleven assemblies in nine local schools here in Ryedale to promote the Malton Literature Festival which is this weekend. It's been fun thanks to the great response from children and the help from my partner in rhyme, the excellent Becky Ibbotson from Hope Central in Malton. So, thanks to the following primary schools for inviting us along:

Kirbymoorside
Welburn
Pickering Infants
Lutton
Norton
Malton
St Joseph's Pickering
Setterington
Amotherby

All in all about 1350 children learned my Cheeky Pete poem (aka 'What's your name?') and joined in lots more rhymes, wordplay and action poetry. Some children also got to do the now infamous Toothpaste Challenge with Becky and we're sorry if we left a mess.

So, schools of Ryedale, if you'd like a lively fun author and performance poet in your school to bring alive poetry, enthuse the children about books and reading, get them performing and particularly appeal to reluctant boys then contact me via http://www.andyseed.com/.

Quote from a parent following a recent school visit (taken from a school blog):

"We all enjoyed the poetry day - luckily it was my parent shadowing day! Joseph bought the book too. He has laughed out loud reading it and it has even inspired him to write his own poem. Thank you Mrs McMahon for organising a lovely day."

Malton Lit Fest nearly here

2011-10-17T06:39:00.000-07:00

If you live in or near Yorkshire then why not come and support the second ever Malton Literature Festival this weekend 22-23 Oct. I'll be putting in a few appearences over the two days including running a poetry workshop for kids, giving a talk about my latest book and also advising writer who want to get published.

My main event is DALES TALES, a one-hour talk and reading centred around All Teachers Great and Small with humorous anecdotes, fascinating background to the book and a chance to ask the author questions. There will be an opportunity to buy signed copies at a discount too! Dales Tales is on at 6.30pm in The Milton Rooms (Studio Theatre), Market Place, Malton, North Yorks YO17 7LX.

See you there!

ATWAW!

2011-10-08T03:43:00.000-07:00

I'm nearing the end of writing the follow up book to All Teachers Great and Small. The second in a series of three volumes of memoirs, its provisional title is All Teachers Wise and Wonderful. No prizes for guessing where that came from...

So what is in ATWAW? What can you expect to read about if you enjoyed ATGAS and want more? What goes on in Cragthwaite Primary School and what do the Seeds get up to in beautiful Applesett village in the Yorkshire Dales? Well, lots! Here are a few peeks into book 2:

A new girl arrives at the school and she's BIG trouble.
Barbara and I get stopped by the police late one evening for acting suspiciously.
We encounter the 'delights' of Mischief Night.
Barbara learns to drive the hard way.
An inspector calls and things don't go according to plan.
Our house is flooded and invaded by frogs.
A mysterious face appears in the window of the empty flat next door: enter Mrs Boo!
My class builds a giant igloo.
I end up in hospital under very embarrasing circumstances.
We lose a child in a waterfall.
We meet an amazing family of farmers living in just past the back of beyond.
An Ancient Egyptian mummy comes to life in assembly.

The book also features Dracula, bottle rockets, a siege, egg-throwing, haytiming, a muckspreader cake, an exploding pig, the worst song in the history of civilisation, funny nuns, a trendy vicar and a sledging accident involving lots of sheep. So there's no shortage of quirky tales of classroom disasters, village characters and trouble for teachers. There's a brand new Class 3, of course, and once more a host of humorous, troublesome, smart and not so smart individuals.

And there's the staff: fearsome Val, nutty Hilda, touchy-feely Joyce and hippy Emma plus the same winsome supporting cast that populated book 1: brute dinner ladies, delicate secretaries, shapely cleaners and comical parents. The familiar large and daft, little and lovely Swinnerdale locals are there too. The book will appear sometime next year and I can't wait for you to read it.

If you haven't read this yet then...do!

National Poetry Day

2011-10-08T03:12:00.000-07:00

I spent National Poetry Day in the excellent Kirby Hill Primary School near Boroughbridge and taught all of the children my Cheeky Pete rhyme. It always amazes me how quickly children can learn this little poem and how much they enjoy it. It's based on an old playground wordplay and it's good to know that the traditional stuff still works with today's smartphone, social-networking kids.

The day was all the better for the awesome sharing lunch that the staff provided and the amazing provision of cups of tea by the school's wonderful secretary. Thankyou!

The previous day I was at Leven Primary School near Beverley where the children were equally enthusiastic and the staff also very good company. The lemon cake in the staffroom was a thing of beauty too! Thanks everyone for another exciting day of poetic celebration and interaction.

Dales Tales

2011-10-04T14:49:00.000-07:00

I will be performing at the Milton Rooms (Studio Theatre), Malton, on Sat 22^nd October as part of the Malton Literature Festival. I’m giving a one hour talk from 6.30pm entitled Dales Tales which will feature a short reading from my new book All Teachers Great and Small, plus a few choice anecdotes, a peek ahead at book 2, and a few insights into writing about yourself, your wife and colleagues! Signed copies of the book will be available to buy.

Don’t miss it if you live locally!

The price is £5 to include one drink – bargain!

Tickets from Malton Tourist Info or on the door.

More info: http://www.maltonliteraturefestival.co.uk/

Cracking Cragside!

2011-09-28T04:02:00.000-07:00

What a fantastic day I had yesterday at Cragside Primary in Newcastle. What a lovely school in every way! I want to say a special thank you to deputy head Mrs James for looking after me so well, and for Julie and all the other teachers and staff who made the day such a pleasure. Of course the kids were fantastic too! If only all author visits were like this...

Some are not. There are some days when you arrive at a school and the gate is locked. You park 400 yards away, hoping it's not a restricted zone and you lug your two bags and 80kg box of books around to the door only to find that the entrance for visitors is around the other side. You buzz and no one answers. A passing parent looks at you suspiciously. Eventually, a harrassed assistant lets you in and you sign the visitors book then wait for a badge with a broken clip.

After a delay of ten minutes a naggy woman with no name demands to see your CRB certificate and four items of ID. You scrabble in your bag and find two tram tickets and a receipt for a ladle. The phone goes. Two parents with money problems turn up. A kid sneezes over you.

Eventually a teacher appears and whisks you down a corridor into the hall where 300 five and six year-olds are waiting in assembly. Before you get a chance to say that you were expecting to do a writing workshop with a single class of top juniors you are introduced as a poet, even though you're not, and have to wing it for 15 minutes while all the teachers file out and an infant is quietly sick on the front row.

At break you try to find the loo and are told you must use the disabled. You pull the light switch and discover it's the emergency help cord. Hundreds of people come running and a passing group of children want to know why you're stuck on the toilet. The bell goes. You don't know which room you are in next. You will pass out unless there is access to coffee within the next 4 minutes.

You arrive in a class and read some of your book. The children look bored. The teacher is marking books. You invite questions and they want to know if you're rich and famous. The room is hot and there are no windows open. Someone has farted and the rest of them are noisily peeling and fastening velcro on their shoes. You tell them about being an author and they think you make the books yourself. You explain about editors and publishers and printers. They glaze over even more.

In the staffroom at lunchtime you accumulate black looks by sitting in Mr Preston's chair. You accidentally use Miss Hobbs's mug too. No one talks to you.

The afternoon is worse. The Powerpoint you prepared doesn't work on the school's computer. You write on the whiteboard with a permanent marker and then are left with half a class as children file out for violin and oboe lessons. The last session is in the hall. A cleaner is still sweeping it. You set up and some children file in hoping to do PE. You show a book which those at the back can't see. Teachers walk past, then parents, then Class 6 going to the library and you relaise the hall is in fact just a wide corridor. Two noisy children bring back some musical instruments and drop the cymbals. No one is listening.

The final bell goes and you get out some books, hopeful that someone might want a signed copy. No one turns up. They didn't know to bring money. You drag your hefty box back to the office and hand over an invoice to a harrassed admin person who is just a temp and knows nothing. You mention a cheque and the head turns up and says that she thought county were paying for this. You try to get out of the school but the door is locked. Eventually you exit, your throat parched and your head throbbing. It's raining and your car has been clamped.

But not at Cragside in Newcastle: that was FANTASTIC! (and they bought 60 books: the parents clearly value reading too: what an excellent community....)

Thanks Seton Primary!

2011-09-23T04:36:00.000-07:00

Well, it's September and the school author visit season has started again. Yesterday I was at the mega-friendly Seton Primary School which is located in the marvellous little fishing port of Staithes, North Yorkshire. It was great fun telling stories, performing poems and answering questions with Classes 3 and 4. Special thanks to Miss Barningham and Mrs Hill, the teachers, for their enthusiastic welcome and joining in!

The children al learnt my 'What's your name?' rhyme which I now must have taught to thousands of kids across the country! I wonder if they can remember it? Actually, I bet a lot of them can - I went into a school in Selby last Autumn then returned in the spring and briefly worked with the same class of 7 year-olds. I asked them, 'What's your name?' and to my (and the teacher's) complete amazement they recalled the whole thing without a glitch. I wonder if the Seton juniors can do that... I bet they can!

So, well done to the excellent Mrs Barningham for looking after me with cups of tea and a good chat: she has the poshest Head's office I've ever seen: leather sofa, rugs, original Picassos...(OK I lied about the paintings but the rest is true). She also bought a copy of All Teachers Great and Small for the staff - what a brilliant person to work for! The children were delightful too - I can't wait to go back again.

Wonderful Staithes

Book 2

2011-09-17T03:10:00.000-07:00

I'm currently writing the follow up to All Teachers Great and Small and enjoying reliving those glorious days in the Dales in the 1980s. There will eventually be a three-book series (and who knows, maybe even more?). As I write I've penned about 76,000 words which sounds a lot but there's still about a quarter of the manuscript to go and, of course, this is only the first draft...

But what can you expect from Book 2 (working title: All Teachers Wise and Wonderful)? Here are a few snippets - well, just insights into some of the stories that await:

- The very naughty thing that some kids did to us on Mischief Night
- The terrible fate that befalls the school's new young, trendy vicar
- What happened when I tried to cut down a big tree
- When we hear mysterious noises next door and see a ghostly face in the window
- The tale of a comical sledging accident
- When an Egyptian mummy comes to life
- A very embarrassing hospital incident
- The day when a TV series was filmed in the village
- One of the children being attacked by a vampire

You can also read about:

exploding pigs
funny nuns
a giant igloo
the world's worst snooker
bottle rockets
cow poo

And, as they say, much more! So, there we are - it's due for hardback publication sometime in mid 2012 but before then don't forget that ATGAS is out in paperback in May: the perfect gift!

More ATGAS reviews

2011-09-08T13:55:00.000-07:00

All Teachers Great and Small was one of LOVEREADING's books of the month for August. Sue Baker said, "A wonderful peep at school and village life that has all but disappeared ... warm, funny and packed with incident." Read more at:
http://www.lovereading.co.uk/book/6335/All-Teachers-Great-and-Small-by-Andy-Seed.html

The Gazette & Herald, one of Ryedale's great institutions, asked their book man Bill Spence to read ATGAS recently and his verdict was: "...a good light-hearted read; most enjoyable." Full review:
http://www.gazetteherald.co.uk/leisure/books/9241227.All_Teachers_Great_And_Small_by_Andy_Seed__Headline____14_99_/

Not a review but a bit of background about how the book came to be, from The Northern Echo:
http://www.thenorthernecho.co.uk/leisure/entertainment/9196342.Love_from_sir/

And a similar piece here from York's The Press:
http://www.yorkpress.co.uk/leisure/books/9157081.All_Teachers_Great_And_Small_by_Andy_Seed__Headline__priced___14_99_/

Lit fest and more

2011-09-08T02:56:00.000-07:00

The weekend of October 22-23 sees Malton's second Literature Festival and Andy Seed will be running two events as well as sitting on a Q&A panel to offer advice to prospective authors. There will be lots of writers, readings, workshops, books, poetry and more so do come along and get involved if you live in Yorkshire.

On Saturday 22nd October Andy will be running an Interactive Poetry Performance Workshop for children aged 7-11 at Hope Central cafe, Castlegate, Malton from 10.30am to 12 noon. This will be a fun event with wacky wordplay, funny rhymes and lots of chances to join in and perform if you want to. The cost is only £2 and places can be booked by calling Hope Central on 01653 697796.

On Saturday 22nd October Andy will be giving a talk for adults called Dales Tales. This will include some interesting backgound to his new book All Teachers Great and Small, plus an entertaining reading and Q&A session. There'll be a chance to buy a signed copy of the book at the end. This will be at The Milton Rooms (Fitzwilliam Room), Malton, at from 6.30 to 7.30pm. Tickets are £5 (to inlcude a drink) from Malton TIC or on the door.

Ah, the joy of the local newspaper posed publicity shot...

PS Did you know that ATGAS has its own Facebook page? Take a peek at it here.

Yorkshire Signing Tour

2011-09-03T13:25:00.000-07:00

It was reet fun this week visiting five Yorkshire towns to sign books. Headline's lovely sales rep Jenny drove me to York, Harrogate, Ripon, Thirsk and Northallerton where we were warmly received into 11 bookshops, including Waterstones, WH Smiths and three independent stores. Thanks to everyone who welcomed us and had those lovely big piles of All Teachers Great and Small ready to sign.

Ooh, and thanks to Headline too for the lurvely lunch at Betty's...

United is a river in full

2011-08-31T07:52:00.000-07:00

Nothing to do with books, Dales, teaching etc but I so enjoyed Man Utd's 8-2 obliteration of Arsenal at the weekend that I have celebrated by providing you here with the full joy of Gazzetto Dello Sport's report on the match, translated from the Italian by Microsoft Bing. The ending is particularly good:

Disaster Gunners — After the collapse of Tottenham, the second half of London committed today meets the same fate: Arsenal makes the end of the "hated" Spurs and was soundly defeated at Old Trafford. Embarrassing the difference in values in the field: the recent sell-offs and many absences among Gunners (Sagna, Vermaelen, Squillaci, Song, Bendtner, Gibbs and Gervinho, just to name a few) require Wenger to field a defense Jenkinson-Djourou-Koscielny-Traore impractical at this level, as well as Coquelin in the middle of the field. United also has on the pitch his young, but these elements already tried value as Evans and Jones instead of Central Ferdinand and Vidic, or as Bennett and Welbeck. The 20-year-old striker is the man who opened the scoring after 22 ': Anderson serves the area with a LOB and he shoves his sixth consecutive goals to head of Premier League matches. Unfortunately, a muscle trouble forced him to leave the field a little later, replaced by the returning "Chicharo" Hernandez.

Triple Rooney — the race could re-equilibrate themselves when the referee makes a dubious penalty to Walcott for a slight contact with Evans, but De Gea redeem a complicated season starts the penalty to parrying Van Persie. So when Young invents a fabulous right around the 2-0, inertia is all on the side of the Red Devils, who are 3-0 with a free kick from the edge to Rooney. Before the break, a diagonal Walcott worth the 3-1, but it's still Rooney to inaugurate the revival with another masterly kick for the 4-1. Then "Wazza" plays the role of the man assists and serves to Dwarf the comfortable 5-1 before freeing Szczesny. United is a river in full: enter Park and with a low shot into the bottom corner is 6-1, 6-2 when the left Van Persie finally part of the door. But it's not over here: it corrects the second admonition Jenkinson's disastrous match, then Walcott commits foul area on Evra and grants Rooney from floppy hat that is the 7-2. Icing on the cake the second fireball of Young, who fixed the score on 8-2 in full recovery. A harsh lesson for Wenger.

Fun at Raines

2011-08-27T13:40:00.000-07:00

Raines cafe in Helperby, North Yorks kindly hosted an excellent night of readings, anecdotes, questions and answers on Friday this week. We even had a few poems. The enthusiastic audience enjoyed hearing an excerpt from ALL TEACHERS GREAT AND SMALL and it was wonderful that we sold out of signed copies. Thanks to owners Heather and Graham, to Mike Barfield who helped organise the event, and to everyone who ventured out on a yucky wet evening.

Heather Raine with Andy (he's the tall one)

Events

2011-08-19T03:18:00.000-07:00

Like every author I want everyone to read my book (you would really like it, honest) and so I shall be on the road, doing readings, talks, signings, interviews, photoshoots as well as writing articles and generally annoying everyone. Here are some events forthcoming:

Friday August 26th Raines of Helperby: talk
Come along to this family-run cafe/deli at 7pm to hear Andy read from All Teachers Great and Small, talk about the next book in the series, crack a few gags and maybe even answer some questions. Book signing at the end too.

Saturday 27th August The Guisborough Bookshop: signing
The largest independent bookseller in the North East and highly recommended on the Daily Telegraph website for its helpful staff. I'll be signing copies of All Teachers Great and Small between 11am and 1pm. Come along and have a chat.

Wednesday 8th September BBC Radio York: interview
I'll be on Russell Walker-Brown's show between 2 and 3pm, talking about books, writing, life, teaching, pies (possibly) and music. Yes, it's some kind of desert island discs thing! Should be great fun.

September (date TBC) Little Ripon Bookshop: signing
It's small but remember, quality counts more than quantity and this is another hard-working, top-notch indie store that deserves the support of local people. Come along, have a chat, pick up a personalised copy of All Teachers Great and Small and have a fab read afterwards. Go on, treat yourself.

Thurs 22nd Sept: Seton CP School, Staithes: school visit
I shall be performing poems, entertaining children, getting them to join in and enthusing about books, words, stories, poetry and more. No doubt there will be some questions for me to answer along the lines of: are you rich? Are you famous? Do you know JK Rowling? How long does it take to write a book? (Answers: the first 3 no and the fourth one, er, well....).

Tues 27th September: Cragside Primary, Newcastle: School visit

Much the same as above but with delightful Geordie accents all round. Really looking forward to this as I always get a lovely welcome from schools in the North East.

Saturday 1st October: Cedar Barn cafe and farm shop, Pickering: Talk with meal
This is not to be missed - a special Celebration of Yorkshire Food at this wonderful, family run cafe specialising in yummy locally-produced food. I'll be doing a reading, telling funny stories, giving a glimpse of my next book and signing copies of my recent memoir at a bargain price. Heaven at 7pm.

I'll also be doing a Help for Heroes gig at Welburn village Hall on 8th October (details coming).

Saturday 22nd October: Malton Literature Festival: kids' poetry workshop
From 10.30-12 I shall be at the wonderful Hope Central Cafe in sunny Malton running a madcap interactive poetry performance thing for ages 7-11 which will be huge fun!

Saturday 22nd October: Malton Literature Festival: Author talk & reading
At 6.30-7.30 I will be running an entertaining session for adults at the Milton Rooms to include a reading from my memorable memoir All Teachers Great and Small, along with a peek at the next book in the series and a chance to ask questions or buy a signed copy. Limited places so book early, as Fred Pontin used to say...

And there's more in November and December - if only I could remember it...

Razzle Dazzle

2011-08-16T01:46:00.000-07:00

Here are a few poems from my book Razzle Dazzle:

Upgrading Granny

Granny’s been to the hospital

She needed an upgrade again

Her body’s been stripped and refitted

By an army of white-coated men

Her new teeth are pure carbon fibre

Her specs were designed with a laser

She can now bite through plates if she wants to

And her eyesight’s as sharp as a razor

She’s got digital hearing aid power

And her pacemaker’s nuclear I’m told

They replaced her hip with a stainless steel joint

And her Zimmer’s now radio controlled

There was a special offer on memory

She got 64 megs of it free

She can now recall where she left granddad

And that that I owe her 35p

Her toilet’s controlled by computer

Her electric shopping cart’s fun

Her stairlift’s got internet access

I can’t wait till I’m ninety one

Hindsight

Yesterday
I went to get my hindsight tested.
It was perfect.
Looking back,
I should have known that.

Cheese and Crackers

Some people

Think

The Moon

Is made of

Cheese.

They must

Crackers.

Looby

I was really sad when Looby died,

My favourite pet of all;

We buried her at the back of the house,

Next to the garden wall.

I was really sad when Looby died,

That giraffe was part of my soul;

But not as sad as dad was:

Took him two years to dig the hole.

Razzle Dazzle is only £3.99 on Amazon (+ P&P): buy it now!

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Razzle-Dazzle-Poems-Andy-Seed/dp/0955558921/ref=ntt_at_ep_dpi_12

ATGAS reviews

2011-08-13T11:26:00.000-07:00

Well my humorous memoir All Teachers Great and Small has been around for three weeks now and reviews are starting to appear. Here is a flavour of some of them:

Review by author and teacher Beth Kemp:
An engaging summer read, especially, but not exclusively, for teachers.
Essentially a nostalgic read, this is perfect summer holiday fare. As a teacher, I had tremendous sympathy for Seed's tales of juggling new government edicts with the demands of the actual classroom, and enjoyed his depictions of parents' evenings, school trips and attempts to modernise the curriculum. He perfectly captures the clash between the old and new, in the rural community and in education more broadly, without being excessively sentimental and without a trace of cynicism. This is not at all a book that is specifically or exclusively for teachers, however, and the child characters will engage any reader, I've no doubt.
Read the full review at http://bethkempuk.blogspot.com/2011/08/review-all-teachers-great-and-small-by.html

From Fleetwood Today:
All Teachers Great and Small, a charming and entertaining memoir, uses fictional names, apart from the author’s, but is based on real-life people and events.
Read full review at: http://www.fleetwoodtoday.co.uk/lifestyle/leisure-time/entertainment-news/book_review_all_teachers_great_and_small_by_andy_seed_1_3597722

From TES (Times Educational Supplement):

Dale kids steal the show

This touching, evocative, and often very funny book has a timeless message: the 24 little bundles of human potential Andy Seed describes remind us what primary teaching must be about - children, great and small.
Read full review at http://www.tes.co.uk/article.aspx?storycode=6108198

From an Amazon reviewer:
I could not put this book down! It is heartwarming, uplifting and very funny.
Read full review at http://www.amazon.co.uk/product-reviews/0755362128/ref=dp_top_cm_cr_acr_txt?ie=UTF8&showViewpoints=1

Kids I used to teach

2011-08-08T14:57:00.000-07:00

Funny thing meeting kids you used to teach 10 or more years ago. They have this curious habit of turning into adults. In fact the children in my first class will now be in their late thirties. Strange thought.

It's delightful when you do meet them as grown ups though because you can see what's become of them and have a proper adult conversation about the old days and some of the unlikelier things that happened. There's an awkward moment when they aren't sure what to call you and, of course, on your part the worry that they may have turned into delinquents, tax evaders or Arsenal supporters.

But let me tell you about three I met recently who have turned out to be, well, quite wonderful members of society. I've changed their names in case they come after me. First of all there's Collette. She's now happily married, a mum with a lovely toddler girl, and what's more she's a champion grass track racer. She's still a bit gobby but has retained a great sense of humour and an infectious personality. She's just someone I'm really pleased to know.

Then there's Lydia. She's just come out of university with a first class degree in Law and has passed all the exams to qualify as a barrister. She's hard working, lively, caring and ambitious in the best kind of way. I never had any doubts she would succeed but she's made her family really proud and done the same for me. I just know she's going to do well in her chosen profession.

Finally, Max. Wow. He was never the most confident, nor the cleverest nor the sportiest at school but he had something about him - a spark, a twinkle in the eye and a cheeky sense of fun that was infectious. But he has excelled himself in every way as a mature young man in his twenties. He trained to be a teacher and went to Africa in his gap year, volunteering at a primary school. Venturing out into the remoter rural areas of Kenya he discovered a terrible lack of educational provision for the many deaf children who had been affected by malaria. He went home and raised money for a classroom for them to be built.

But Max didn't stop there. He saw that deaf children were walking miles to the school, desperate for a chance to improve themselves so he went back to the UK, raised thousands of pounds and built a dormitory for them, personally overseeing the construction to ensure it was done properly and that materials weren't stolen. It has been a great success and since then Max has raised thousands more and radically changed the lives of African children, trapped in poverty, for the better. All this when he was just in his early twenties. No big charity to do the admin, no government support, no aid programme assistance - just him and some mates.

I am proud to have been their teacher.

By the way, if you'd like to support Max's project then email me and I'll send you the details.

ATGAS out there

2011-07-26T13:48:00.000-07:00

Here are links to a few bits & bobs that have appeared on the web recently related to All Teachers Great and Small:

Local newspaper article about the genesis of the book:
http://www.yorkpress.co.uk/leisure/books/9157081.All_Teachers_Great_And_Small_by_Andy_Seed__Headline__priced___14_99_/

Short piece about the book selling out at its launch event:
http://www.gazetteherald.co.uk/news/9157955.Ryedale_author_s_book_sells_out/

Curious review which says I live in Pocklington! (We can all dream...):
http://www.fleetwoodtoday.co.uk/lifestyle/leisure-time/entertainment-news/book_review_all_teachers_great_and_small_by_andy_seed_1_3597722

Three five-star reviews on Amazon:
http://www.amazon.co.uk/Teachers-Great-Small-Andy-Seed/dp/0755362128

Facebook page to like:
http://www.facebook.com/pages/All-Teachers-Great-and-Small/220171778007252

Sold out!

2011-07-24T14:36:00.000-07:00

Wow, what a wonderful day Sat 23rd July was for me: It started with a rush down to Hoppers bookshop in Malton, North Yorks for the launch of my new memoir All Teachers Great and Small. My crack family team set to work putting up a refreshment table with drinks and nibbles including 200 beautiful mini-cupcakes made by the clever Barbara. The books were there, discount stickers resplendent, and a comfy chair for the author. Just before 10am the first person arrived and within half an hour the place was packed.

The prosecco, orange juice, and mineral water was flowing; the cakes were flying off the display, nibbles were nibbled and, best of all loads of books were sold: in fact the shop's stock ran out just after midday and we had to use the copies I had brought along. People queued patiently throughout and I had some great chats with ex-teachers and friends who had travelled from all over to pick up a signed copy of ATGAS - the furthest journey was from Gloucestershire!

So, there we are: what a day! The shop manager was very happy, I was delighted, and everyone who picked up a copy of the book is hopefully at home right now with a creamy cup of cocoa, reading and laughing. Oh, and by the way, it just happened to be my 50th birthday too, so that made it extra special...

Huge thanks to everyone who helped and all those who came along plus Andrew and Jan at Hoppers and Maura at Headline for the drinks and for organising it so well. Pictures by my daughter Naomi:

http://www.gazetteherald.co.uk/news/9157955.Ryedale_author_s_book_sells_out/

Publication Day!

2011-07-21T15:14:00.000-07:00

I'm sitting here by the phone waiting for someone to call. It's that exciting! OK, well, it's an interview for a magazine so it's good publicity. But, after a much longer wait - 10 years in total - ALL TEACHERS GREAT AND SMALL is here! In in the shops and winging its way through the post to lucky readers from Amazon's mondo warehouse.

I've spent the last few days doing radio interviews, newspaper pieces, photo shoots and arranging book signings. It's been great watching ATGAS's Amazon sales rank go up from 119,000 on Monday morning to a peak of 117 on Tues after the Daily Mail feature. I thought it would drop again but it's stayed high throughout the week which has been very exciting. Ooh, a five star review has just appeared too (and no I didn't write it, Rob!). The problem now is trying to concentrate on writing book 2: I've done about 45,000 words which sounds a lot but it's all a raw at the moment. Oh for some finesse!

Yorkshire people: don't forget the big LAUNCH EVENT this Saturday 23rd July at Hoppers in Malton (in the Market Place) 10am - 1pm. Free bubbly and nibbles, get a discounted & signed book (£3 off!), meet the author, chat and enjoy the buzz. See you there!

Daily Mail double spread!

2011-07-18T05:26:00.000-07:00

Well they may not have used any of the photos that I spent six hours touring Yorkshire to create on Friday but the Daily Mail have put together a rather good spread over two pages in today's edition featuring All Teachers Great and Small. One of their writers has cleverly condensed various episodes from the book and assembled them into a kind of taster digest. OK, a few punchlines are given away a little bit cheaply but any author would bite his or her lip for this kind of publicity.

I'm now watching the book's Amazon rank creep up, which is good fun, especially as it's not even published until Thursday! Come on you Mail readers - keep buying!

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2015897/Blinkin-Nora-youre-going-easy-target-lad.html

What a poser

2011-07-17T12:02:00.000-07:00

'Good news,' my publicist said. 'The Daily Mail want to run a serial of the book'. That was a couple of weeks ago. Then on Thursday I had a call from the paper saying they need some photos for the feature, 'You and your wife, you in the Dales, you and your house, you in front of your first school, that kind of thing.'

Being in London and not Yorkshire where I am they didn't seem to understand that these places are miles apart. In fact, when the photographer (a splendid chap called Jon) did arrive at 10 the next morning I ended up been driven 140 miles by him to find all the necessary locations. We returned back to the house at 4.30pm and the day was almost gone. I suspect that the photos arrived at the Mail too late to be included in last Saturday's edition too. So, there will hopefully be a fullish page feature on ATGAS in Saturday 23rd's Mail.

The sun kindly shone for the photos, which was good (esp as it's rained for about 48 hrs since) and our jaunt to the delightful Dales was fun. Jon wanted a shot of me in front of a drystone wall with hills and cows and maybe a good vernacular farm in the background. Could we find all that with the sun falling just right? It wasn't easy and we toured around for an hour, tramping across fields and at one point through a farm, where a signposted path had led us. A burly bloke in blue overalls didn't like the look of us and grunted that, 'the footpath is that way.'

It didn't help that Jon was wearing very, er, urban clothes and had loads of photographic equipment dangling from his neck. 'This chap has written a book based in this area and we're trying a to get a good shot of him,' he said, smiling rather too much. The farmer clearly thought we were mental and just stared. 'We'll be on our way then,' added Jon, wisely. I stifled a chortle.

Eventually we found a good wall and some wispy clouds softened the sun. The landscape was spot on. 'Lean against it,' said Jon. He took 30 shots. 'Now move a bit to the left.' I stepped into a hole. 'Can you stay a bit higher?' I stepped on a mound. 'Too high. Er, what about there?' There was a bramble there which hooked me swiftly and wouldn't let go but Jon like this spot and rapidly shot about 20 more pictures. 'Right, let's find the school,' he declared.

Right, it was only about 50 miles away. And we hadn't checked whether it was OK to take pictures. And there was a new head who didn't know me. And the kids were about to come out. But, hey, grit your teeth and think of the publicity....

Applesett comes to town

2011-07-08T09:37:00.000-07:00

Applesett is the fictional village featured in my memoir All Teachers Great and Small. It's based on the beautiful place where we lived in the Yorkshire Dales back in the 1980s and early nineties. The village was truly idyllic, with stone houses bordering a long green set on a rising ridge between two glorious valleys, with the huge layered bulk of the fells rising up behind it. There was a tiny school, a proper pub, a shop and, most wonderful of all, tucked away in a secret corner the village even had its own waterfall, a magical place where a dancing beck dropped over a hard ledge into a pool surrounded by trees, moss and rocks.

The talented Welsh naive artist Helen Elliott painted Applesett for the cover of the book and has done a marvellous job of capturing the place. And now another talented person has created it quite wonderfully in 3-D: my own wife Barbara, no less - star of the book and meister cake decorator. She had the idea for adding a touch of magic to the window display in our local bookshop, Hoppers of Malton, where ATGAS will be launched in just two weeks.

Barbara has made the model entirely from edible icing, using her extraordinary cake-finishing skillz (as my daughter would spell it) and I'm sure you'll agree it really is superb. Every detail from the cover of the book is there, plus a few little extra additions and it's all rendered with so much character. If you live locally don't miss this sugar Applesett masterpiece in Hopper's window - it'll be there from Tuesday.

Names

2011-07-06T02:18:00.000-07:00

I'm currently stuck into writing the follow up book to All Teachers Great and Small and enjoying revisiting the wonderful Dales of the 1980s with its crusty locals and beguiling scenery. Yesterday I introduced a farmer character based on a friend of mine and, like everyone else in the book modelled on a real person, I gave him a new name.

But what name to use? If someone was called Albert you can't rename him Darren. Likewise, a Chelsey (not that there were any in the Dales back then and probably still aren't) can't become a Maude. It's a testy business but also great fun, especially if a fictional surname is thrown into the mix - although there's always the worry that you might accidentally give your character the moniker of a real person from the area who thinks it's him/her.

So, just to clarify, if you see your name in my books then it's just a coincidence, honest! I've changed the names of places too, in the tradition of James Herriott and those who follwed him - I think it's rather fun to try and guess where is where. Some places are more disguised thatn others, of course, but to anyone who knows the Dales well, certain towns and even villages may be recognisable. But, hey, I'm not going to make it easy!

Garden party: the morning after

2011-07-04T02:29:00.000-07:00

We invited 57 people round yesterday for a garden party, including about 30 kids. This was not a tea-and-cucumber-sandwiches-with-the-Queen affair. Nope. It was trampoline, tree house, swingboat, tennis, rope swing, volleyball, table footy, croquet-golf, paperchase and, thankfully only at the end, waterbombs. 150 waterbombs which now lie dead and burst across the lawn, like giant technicolour dandruff. But it was fun.

It was also blazing hot and many of the adults sought shade and cool drinks. The children meanwhile just tore round all afternoon, bouncing, chasing, climbing, swinging, hitting (tennis balls, not each other), running, hiding, eating and drinking. They did a lot of eating and drinking. We've done these parties for years and always ask people to bring a few things to nibble which are spread out on the kitchen table. This time the whole lot disappeared, apart from one sickly-looking iced bun which appeared to have been mauled by a toddler then returned.

I left a copy of my new book propped up on a cupboard so that people saw it when they went to the loo. The comments about the cover were very positive: were they just being polite? I don't think so. You can tell, can't you? Lots of them are coming to the big book launch on 23rd July at Hoppers in Malton, anyway. It's now less than 3 weeks away!

Publicity!

2011-06-29T07:31:00.000-07:00

My wonderful publisher Headline, or rather my wonderful publicist Maura, has been busy sending out review copies of ATGAS (as I refer to my new book) and suddenly lots of people are showing an interest. In the last two days I've had two offers to write articles for magazines, a request for a radio interview and an invitation to appear at an arts festival.

So, I should be getting on with Book 2 of my memoirs series but when opportunities for publicity come along, you have to jump!

Photo by my daughter Naomi

The, er, joy of camping

2011-06-28T07:18:00.000-07:00

It’s ages since I last went camping but this weekend brought it all back. First there was the joy of putting up my tent in the rain. And wind. And cold. The forecast said it would be blue skies and heat – this was June! But no, the gusts made everything flap manically and I wouldn’t have managed if there hadn’t been a friend there to help.

So eventually the tent went up and I crawled inside with my bags of already-squashed things. I’d forgotten that you can’t stand up in my tent: three days of lurching around in a hunch like Quasimodo or crawling like a toddler and spilling drinks or kicking over the light. Then someone, some genius tent designer, decided that the guy ropes should be blue. Dark blue. So no matter how often you remind yourself that they’re there, you still trip over them at least four times an hour. And in the dark they’re completely invisible so I probably peed on them as well…

Ah, the dark. In houses we don’t care about the dark – we nonchalantly flick our light switches and know that we can see things at all hours. But in a tent you reside in a gloomy world of half-light, of shadows and murk. I bought a feeble little battery lamp to hang up but it possessed all the luminosity of a smouldering fag-end. Reading was hopeless and I found myself relying on touch and, after a couple of days, smell.

Of course there’s sound too and as I lay down in a paper thin oversmall sleeping bag (on the airbed with the slow leak) there was no shortage: the howling wind bashing against the tent was probably the loudest, followed closely by the rain beating tom-tom like on the nylon above, with the traffic from the nearby busy road in third. And when the next night the weather did improve there was the jolly revelry of my fellow campers, discussing beer and having a farting contest.

But back to the first night. I slept for about 8 minutes and then dawn arrived about 4.30 am. Birds tweeted and soon people got up and bashed metal things. They shouted to their mates. They moved around. I fell back into semi-consciousness but then emerged, crusty and blinded into the day. The zip stuck. My back ached. I tripped over the guy rope. Some of the tent pegs had come out so I put those back in and headed for the showers. There was a queue. I found an empty toilet but there was no loo paper.

Breakfast was a banana (brown, having been trodden on frequently) but lunch demanded that the stove be lit. It was raining again so it had to be inside the teeny awning. I found some pasta. Now where was the water? Where was the pan? A spoon? A bowl? I looked across at a burger van and was tempted but no, I had to do this properly.

The pasta was actually very good and I recalled that food always tastes better at camp. And then the rain stopped. We had a day of wind and cloud before the predicted sun arrived. The temperature inside the tent went from 9 degrees to about 40 in a few minutes. The margarine and cheese didn’t like it. Nor did I – it was too hot. Ah, camping… (and no, I wasn't at Glastonbury!).

It's arrived!

2011-06-27T03:19:00.000-07:00

After ten years of research, writing, rewriting, posting, waiting, rejection, abandonment, rebirth, more rewriting and then editing, my first book for adults ALL TEACHERS GREAT AND SMALL is here. It has just been printed and my lovely publishers Headline rushed me a copy by special delivery.

What a thrill to actually hold the book after a decade of ups and downs. I now have to wait patiently until it's published on July 21st... The hardback is lovely to hold, with an excellent cover and really attractive design (in my view). It's exciting to have a book printed on good quality paper after seeing some recent children's books suffering from unwelcome economising.

So here it is:

Creating a diversion

2011-06-23T01:45:00.000-07:00

One of the problems with contemporary life is that there are so few opportunities to create a diversion. Diversions are created aplenty in films, comics have loads and they rarely do anything else in cartoons. In fact, I can't recall the last time I did create a diversion. Who did I divert and what for? Anyway, I intend to make up for this serious shortfall so watch out in the next few days because you may well end up having your attention distracted while the real action is going on elsewhere...

And back to writing. I've now penned around 25,000 words of the follow up to All Teachers Great and Small (or ATGAS as the editorial team know it) - my memoir of working in a madcap rural school in the Eighties. It's slow going and the target of 100k words seems a long way off but it's fun reliving some of the ludicrous things I got up to in those days as a teacher.

Writing is a lonely occupation and authors tend to get very excited about social events as a result. I'm no exception and will shortly be setting off for the Big City darn sarf to quaff free drinks and scauff multiple canapes at the Headline 25th birthday party. It's being held at One Marylebone, a former church now converted into a swankier than swank venue, and I expect the place will be heaving with editors, publicists, agents, sales directors, comissioners and even the odd writer. Or very odd writer in my case.

It's usually hard to hear anyone speak above the rising babble on these occasions and I'm sure that many others, like me, will grin stupidly and nod to all sorts of statements which are completely inaudible but also possibly rude and libellous:
Talker: So you write books?
Me (nodding, unable to hear a word): Hmmm, yes.
Talker: Where are you from?
Me: Yes, yeah.
Talker: I bet they're rubbish.
Me: Mmmm, that's right.
Talker: In fact, you're a complete moron, aren't you?
Me: (still nodding): Oh, yes.

The only advantage to this state of affairs is that it works both ways. So, tonight I shall head for the nearest celeb author and start mumbling...

Fifty Plus Fashion

2011-06-21T03:58:00.000-07:00

I visited a secondary school in Rochdale last week to work with a science class who were writing picture books for younger children to explain concepts like habitats, adaptation and food webs. It's an inspired activity and the students had some clever ideas about storylines once I'd explained how narrative arcs are constructed. Some of the illustrations are priceless too and I'm hoping to see a video of the class reading their stories to a group of infants.

Then there was the afternoon... I was given a one-off session with a group of Y8 students who had an English class. I was asked to do some poetry and took in a few light-hearted pieces to read out to give them an idea of what I write. I read the following poem of mine, a tribute to the mighty John Cooper Clark, to the bemused class, who didn't know what to make of it. The teacher, however, was laughing her head off in the corner.

Fifty+ Fashion

There’s a shop in Crewe

Called Fifty+ Fashion,

And it’s run by a lady

Who’s a pensioner assassin.

I went there once,

Returned a dress for my mum,

And this woman told me off

For chewing gum.

I gave her some cheek,

But she narrowed her eyes,

And it soon became clear

I had been unwise.

She sprang from the counter,

With a whoop-ass stance,

Armed herself with merchandise

And started to advance.

Then with a multisaver pack

Of panty-hose,

She pummelled my spine

And rearranged my nose.

I tried to stand my ground,

But what can you do

‘gainst a Ninja shop assistant

Aged 72?

It was Fists of Fury

Meets Jackie Chan,

But I was being dismembered

By somebody’s gran.

An OAP warrior

By the name of Maude,

With varicose veins

And a Kendo sword.

Then she took out her teeth,

And made my lip thick

With a perfectly executed

Butterfly kick.

(All those years

Of making jam

Had given her arms

Like Claude Van Damme.)

I tried to do a runner

But she locked the door,

And with a combat manoeuvre

Pinned me to the floor.

The last thing I knew

Was the touch of death

From elderly retailer

With peppermint breath.

So the moral of the story?

Well if you go to Crewe

Avoid Fifty+ Fashion

Or you’ll be pulp too.

Andy Seed

Father & Daughter

2011-06-19T14:06:00.000-07:00

I had a wonderful, witty hand-made fathers' day card from my delightful daughter today. My two boys have long flown the nest and now reside in far-flung places which don't resemble Yorkshire at all. It's good to have one sprog still at home even if she's now big, occasionally lippy and liable to be playing very strange music at any given time.

Two of my offspring are photographers, one professional and the other just very talented. It's great to see the quality and imagination of their pictures. Here are just a few images I like:

BOGOF Explained

2011-06-17T10:10:00.000-07:00

A woman friend explained ‘buy one get one free’ to me today. I don’t know why she felt the need to do this but I found it immensely entertaining.

‘You see, you buy one item, and they just give you another one for nothing,’ she said earnestly.

‘Hang on, hang on,’ I said. ‘Can we just go through that again from the beginning?’

She looked at me for a second, unsure if I was serious or not then we burst out laughing.

Well, I did anyway.

I always think of Yoda from Star Wars when I see BOGOF signs in shops and imagine him wandering in and proclaiming in that alien voice, ‘Ah, get one free buy one!’ Now that would really confuse my friend.

Now then!

2011-06-17T09:59:00.000-07:00

Another blog? What's it all about? OK, let me explain. I'm an author who has spent ten years waiting for the arrival of a certain book and it's now nearly, almost here. All Teachers Great and Small is the title and it's a memoir about my days as a village school teacher in the glorious, beguiling Yorkshire Dales.

The book is humorous, moving, nostalgic and full of true stories about bluff farmers, scary teachers, crazy kids and much, much stranger things including a donkey wheel, a model sewage works, a flying octopus and killer caterpillars. You'll love it!

The book is published in hardback by Headline on 21st July this year, and this blog essentially tells the curious story of the book, about its author and what it's like to have an autobiographical undressing out there which at times makes me sound like a buffoon!

Oh, and I'll also be posting news and bits 'n' bobs about the life of a writer.